Bangalore Traffic parody

I read a hilarious parody on Bangalore traffic at team-bhp.com. I thought I will share it with my fellow Bengalureans.

Short intro about Bangalore traffic

Bangalore traffic is a ‘Black hole’  you can never exit out of once you get into it. In India we drive on the left of the road. In Bangalore, we drive on what is left of the road. There is the glorious weather, happening nightlife, excellent restaurants and breweries – Bangalore is perfect right! Well there has to be something wrong. So god cursed us with the traffic.

I live in a far far away land called Whitefield- Bangalore’s Neighboring city (Google still considers it part of Bangalore). All my joy of going to a restaurant/pub I recently heard about vanishes when I find out it is in Koramangla or MG road. I contemplate on the lifetime I am going to waste on the roads. First you need to struggle to get an Ola or Uber for 20 minutes (There is traffic to get into traffic).

By gods grace you manage to find a cab and enter the traffic. But in no time  you reach an impasse. Time stands still for those struck on the Bengalurean roads. No matter what you do  to fill your time, you look out of the car window only to find you are still at the same place and nothing has changed. You feel helpless and powerless. There are times I wished I could get out of cab and start running to the destination.

My own traumatic experiences : Once I offered to drop my parents at Airport and the total time it took me  was 5 hours( to and from airport) . What’s the similarity between Bangalore Airport and Chennai Airport? Both of them are not in Bangalore!!. Bangalore airport is 50 KM from my place. My parents reached Chennai by flight (45 minute flight) by the time I was half way in traffic  trying to reach home in Bangalore.

I also missed  two of my trains because of the traffic. There have been numerous traumas like this that I have faced staying here.

Could all this be due to bad planning or intentional bad planning?  Lets find out. Here is the article I found! Hope you enjoy reading

Here is the original post :Link

Getting stuck on the ORR is an everyday affair. So while stuck in traffic, I came up with the below. Its a long post. Hope you guys can understand and relate to it.

Discussion between Senior Urban Planner and 2 new designers.

Senior Urban Planner = SUP
New Designers = ND1 and ND2

SUP- Good morning gentlemen. We have to construct a new pair of flyovers on the Ring road.
As always, our goal is to minimize public convenience. I need your inputs. Please pour your suggestions.

ND1- Sir, let us begin by selecting a site such that the exits of major technology parks fall in no man’s land

SUP- Seems like a good idea, can you elaborate?

ND1- Sir, the design should be such that if a person needs to travel towards the north direction, he still has no option but to travel south in a narrow service lane for at least 1 km before he can take a u-turn and be back on his usual path. We congest the service lane to the maximum this way.

SUP- Brilliant. Go on.

ND2- How about continuing the strange flyover design which has exit on both sides?

SUP- You mean our trademark design where just as the flyover begins, we provide a service lane on either side. It effectively doubles the traffic and creates a bottle neck at both the beginning and end of a flyover?

ND2- Yes sir. The cars in the right most lane, usually the ones who want to continue straight cannot and are forced to change lanes. Its very effective in creating a jam.

SUP- Good thinking. We are progressing really well. What other suggestions can you give me?

ND1- How about decorating all the service lanes with potholes?

SUP- Don’t be stupid. That is for granted. Give me something better.

ND1- Sir, we can block the right side service lane and open it for traffic coming from the opposite direction.

SUP- What do you mean?

ND1- This way, we have 2 lanes of traffic coming on the service lanes, who all want to merge with the traffic coming down from a flyover. It is a perfect bottleneck.

SUP- I am impressed.

ND2- Sir, we can have bus stops right at the beginning of the flyover. The buses will block up to 2 lanes of traffic as they usually stop in any lane.

SUP- Not only at the beginning, we also put bus stops just at the end of the flyover. No lane should be spared.

ND2- Also, we can make the lanes below the flyover, where people usually take U-turns signal free. First come First serve. Everyone will be stuck here for good.

SUP- I am really happy with this one. And I propose to allow 2 sided traffic in all the service lanes.

ND1- Wow Sir, now we know how you became Senior Urban planner. Your vision and foresight are legendary.

SUP- Don’t patronize me. We have work to do. I am still not happy with the congestion, think some more.

ND1- We can ensure there is hardly any footpath for people to walk. This way, people and vehicles will all be competing for the same space of tarmac.

SUP- Another stupid idea. We already know there should be no footpaths. And even if there are, they should be dug up and made un-walk-able.

ND1- We should ensure there is no foot-over bridge for people to cross the roads. People crossing the roads will be done in groups which will bring entire traffic to a standstill.

SUP- Again, it is already our trademark. Seems like you are new to our city. We never make foot over bridges.

ND2- Sir, we can allow the electricity board to put a Transformer in the service lanes. This will narrow the lane down to a single lane point and become a bottleneck.

SUP- Marvelous. My eyes are filled with joy. Let us begin.

SUP- Below is what we have done:

This is an existing area in Bangalore called ‘Outer ring road’  and people get struck in traffic everyday here.  Time to think if Bangalore corporation had some deeper intentions while designing these roads 😛

Here are some memes on Bangalore traffic to laugh out !  😀

And finally about my place, whitefield

If you are from Bangalore I know you must have had such frustrations too !!!

Please share your thoughts on the article!